If I could pin point one emotion which dominated my early years, it would have to be a crushing sense of guilt and doom. A feeling that something terrible was going to happen any minute and therefore I must be on red alert to be ready for it.
I can actually pick out something that happened and it does seem very insignificant but it had a devastating effect on who I was (or thought I was) and changed my world view forever.
I would have been about two years old and I was alone in our garden. It was a still and quiet day, no noise appeared to come from anywhere. I realised in a moment that I was entirely alone and not in the sense that there was no one with me. No, it was a realisation that no matter what I did or who I surrounded myself with, I was alone in this world. Then I heard the sound of a cuckoo crying out into this stillness and quiet. I was filled with a sense of dread and doom laden fear.
Maybe it was a first panic attack, who knows? I knew at that point for me, the world was a dangerous place and there really was no one who would or could shield me from the danger.
How dramatic does this sound for a two year old to be thinking? Yet this was the truth for me.
Little did I realise then just how much terror awaited me when I had to go to school and I could no longer stay in the relative safety of home.
Saturday, 28 February 2015
Monday, 23 February 2015
Getting Old with Aspergers
You would not think to look at me that I have Aspergers!
That is what people say when I confide in them that I found out I grew up with Aspergers but never knew just what it was. In fact you could say I was blown away when I read about it and realised that this was the name for this strangeness inside me, the endless thoughts and many weird and wonderful worries and feelings.
First of all I want to apologise in advance if I upset or offend anyone. I am definitely a novice at being Aspergian and I am writing from my point of view only. I know that there are myriad symptoms and traits and no-one has them all in quite the same way.
I was a little excited and enthralled when it dawned on me that this thing had a name. I actually knew nothing about Autism and Aspergers. Once, many years ago, I was on a course and there was a girl on it who had Aspergers. None of us gave her a chance or let her in. It upsets me now to think of it. I may have missed a great opportunity to meet someone on my wavelength. Instead we all gave her a wide berth, all of us. Even the teacher seemed to resent having her in the class. I am sad to remember that.
That though is in the past and there is nothing I can do about it now.
So I suppose I should at least introduce myself. I turned 60 in February, which is amazing really. A real achievement. Of course I have had nothing to do with that achievement but I am so grateful to still be here and able to blog!!!
I found out about Asperger syndrome last year. It felt like finding a massive piece of a jigsaw, the missing bit that suddenly had my eyes opening and my head nodding and feeling I had come home.
Of course I now know that Asperger* is no longer a term used and we are now referred to as having high functioning autism. The lady who diagnosed me though still uses the name as she said Hans Asperger put a lot of work into discovering and documenting it all and he deserves that respect.
Anyway as this is my first post, I will finish up now but it is a great feeling to be able to write all this down. Maybe someone out there will read it.
*A kind Mumsnetter put me right on this. Apparently it is still called Asperger Syndrome in the UK.
That is what people say when I confide in them that I found out I grew up with Aspergers but never knew just what it was. In fact you could say I was blown away when I read about it and realised that this was the name for this strangeness inside me, the endless thoughts and many weird and wonderful worries and feelings.
First of all I want to apologise in advance if I upset or offend anyone. I am definitely a novice at being Aspergian and I am writing from my point of view only. I know that there are myriad symptoms and traits and no-one has them all in quite the same way.
I was a little excited and enthralled when it dawned on me that this thing had a name. I actually knew nothing about Autism and Aspergers. Once, many years ago, I was on a course and there was a girl on it who had Aspergers. None of us gave her a chance or let her in. It upsets me now to think of it. I may have missed a great opportunity to meet someone on my wavelength. Instead we all gave her a wide berth, all of us. Even the teacher seemed to resent having her in the class. I am sad to remember that.
That though is in the past and there is nothing I can do about it now.
So I suppose I should at least introduce myself. I turned 60 in February, which is amazing really. A real achievement. Of course I have had nothing to do with that achievement but I am so grateful to still be here and able to blog!!!
I found out about Asperger syndrome last year. It felt like finding a massive piece of a jigsaw, the missing bit that suddenly had my eyes opening and my head nodding and feeling I had come home.
Of course I now know that Asperger* is no longer a term used and we are now referred to as having high functioning autism. The lady who diagnosed me though still uses the name as she said Hans Asperger put a lot of work into discovering and documenting it all and he deserves that respect.
Anyway as this is my first post, I will finish up now but it is a great feeling to be able to write all this down. Maybe someone out there will read it.
*A kind Mumsnetter put me right on this. Apparently it is still called Asperger Syndrome in the UK.
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