Feeling suicidal and thinking about suicide.

So cheerful I know! Thing is, I think about suicide a lot and always have looking back. The strength of self hatred that comes over me, pushes me into these thoughts, though I don't think I would and nor do I really want to deep down. Sometimes though it seems the only way out of the horrible feeling.

Maybe it is a way of taking the pressure off, knowing that there is always that if things get too bad.

I think a lot of Autistic people have these thoughts. I am not alone in this.

The other day someone I know was saying that they didn't think I had been much affected by Aspergers. They were seeing the persona. The one who can socialise for a certain amount of time.

I told them they cannot see it because it is all on the inside. It is all going on inside.

I have so many fears and phobias that it has affected my life terribly. It has affected my work experience, in that I don't seem to fit in anywhere. I don't dress "right" for some jobs and I don't look "groomed" and I have always been the odd one out wherever I have worked.

My relationships have all been very fraught. I cannot keep up the affection and sexual performance for very long and in fact the only way I really ever dealt with it was to pretend to be someone else.
After a while I cannot bear to be touched and end the relationship. That's not good.

I hate to be away from home as I cannot go to the toilet if I think someone may come along or hear me, or know what I have been doing! I know this is crazy but I have had it all my life! 
So that is holidays out. I have had to tearfully confess my problem to romantic partners and no matter their understanding, it is still impossible for me to "go" if they are anywhere around. I am not talking a wee here folks!

Last time I went on holiday with a partner, it was like a military operation for me to use the toilet.
First he had to leave the holiday chalet. Go and get a paper. Mobile phone at the ready, waiting for the call that he could come back as I had "been" or not and then it was miserable for yet another day as going (in my wierd mind) is a morning affair!!

The other thing that troubles me, is the sense that I have done something wrong, upset someone, caused some kind of discord. I rarely have, but the feeling is so pervasive. I have to fight myself not to call round, or ring up, to explain what I really meant and am sorry if I have upset them.

I cannot cope with any kind of conflict. If something is going on, I will immediately feel responsible for it. Atmospheres, where someone is sulking or angry can distress me to the point of a panic attack.
There is just too much emotion rushing in and through my body.

The smallest thing can become a catastrophe. It may seem like you are being a drama queen or princess but inside it can be cold blooded fear and panic. It is all so exhausting.

There was a saying about alcohol. The Man takes a drink. The drink takes a drink. The drink takes the man.

Here's my version. The Aspie starts to think. The think starts to think. The think takes the Aspie.
Down a corridor, into a labrinth, then on to a maze and finishing up in a Kaleidoscope.

No, having Aspergers hasn't affected my life much at all!