Saturday 28 February 2015

Very Early Memories

If I could pin point one emotion which dominated my early years, it would have to be a crushing sense of guilt and doom. A feeling that something terrible was going to happen any minute and therefore I must be on red alert to be ready for it.

I can actually pick out something that happened and it does seem very insignificant but it had a devastating effect on who I was (or thought I was) and changed my world view forever.

I would have been about two years old and I was alone in our garden. It was a still and quiet day, no noise appeared to come from anywhere. I realised in a moment that I was entirely alone and not in the sense that there was no one with me. No, it was a realisation that no matter what I did or who I surrounded myself with, I was alone in this world. Then I heard the sound of a cuckoo crying out into this stillness and quiet. I was filled with a sense of dread and doom laden fear.

Maybe it was a first panic attack, who knows? I knew at that point for me, the world was a dangerous place and there really was no one who would or could shield me from the danger.

How dramatic does this sound for a two year old to be thinking? Yet this was the truth for me.

Little did I realise then just how much terror awaited me when I had to go to school and I could no longer stay in the relative safety of home.

Monday 23 February 2015

Getting Old with Aspergers

You would not think to look at me that I have Aspergers!

That is what people say when I confide in them that I found out I grew up with Aspergers but never knew just what it was. In fact you could say I was blown away when I read about it and realised that this was the name for this strangeness inside me, the endless thoughts and many weird and wonderful worries and feelings.

First of all I want to apologise in advance if I upset or offend anyone. I am definitely a novice at being Aspergian and I am writing from my point of view only. I know that there are myriad symptoms and traits and no-one has them all in quite the same way.

 I was a little excited and enthralled when it dawned on me that this thing had a name. I actually knew nothing about Autism and Aspergers. Once, many years ago, I was on a course and there was a girl on it who had Aspergers. None of us gave her a chance or let her in. It upsets me now to think of it. I may have missed a great opportunity to meet someone on my wavelength. Instead we all gave her a wide berth, all of us. Even the teacher seemed to resent having her in the class. I am sad to remember that.

That though is in the past and there is nothing I can do about it now.


So I suppose I should at least introduce myself. I turned 60 in February, which is amazing really. A real achievement. Of course I have had nothing to do with that achievement but I am so grateful to still be here and able to blog!!!

I found out about Asperger syndrome last year. It felt like finding a massive piece of a jigsaw, the missing bit that suddenly had my eyes opening and my head nodding and feeling I had come  home.

Of course I now know that Asperger* is no longer a term used and we are now referred to as having high functioning autism. The lady who diagnosed me though still uses the name as she said Hans Asperger put a lot of work into discovering and documenting it all and he deserves that respect.

Anyway as this is my first post, I will finish up now but it is a great feeling to be able to write all this down. Maybe someone out there will read it.

*A kind Mumsnetter put me right on this. Apparently it is still called Asperger Syndrome in the UK.