I wonder if anyone else has really complex dreams like me?
I find it very hard to get off to sleep because my mind is so active. Also, when I close my eyes, I start to see visions, images, movies if you will.
I have had the experience of finding myself in a Middle Eastern market. I could see all the vivid colours and the Arabic goods set out. I could see the stall holders and hear the noise and general business of the market. I don't know what this means but it seemed so real.
When I do finally fall asleep, I am often troubled by repetitive and distressing dreams. One in particular happens quite often. I dream that I have moved back to London. I am wandering around the new property, which always has many many room, leading off each other.
In the dream, I am overawed by having such a large amount of space, but then I realise I have upped sticks, have no work and no means to support myself. I then panic as I remember I have given up my little house in Surrey and there is no going back. I am lost, alone, and trapped.
You can imagine my relief when I waken to find myself in my own bed, in my own little house and I have my job to go to!
Sometimes the dreams are so vivid, complex and involving much confusion and energy. I can wake up feeling as if I have been hit by a ten ton truck. Once I felt so awful, with a crashing head ache that I had to stay home to recover, as I was in no fit state to drive!
One of the worst was where my own mother stabbed me to death with a huge kitchen knife. It was particularly scary because she was dressed in such a horrible way. Imagine Baby Jane crossed with a clown and you get the picture. Added to this she was inching towards my bed with a broom.
Step, step.........sweep forwards.......step step......sweep forwards, until she was standing over me and the knife was about to plunge. Eeeek.
I have read of children complaining that when they close their eyes they see zig zags and shapes, so it may well be a feature of Asperger's for some of us.
Sunday 2 August 2015
Saturday 4 July 2015
In Praise of Dr Judith Gould of the Lorna Wing Centre
http://www.autism.org.uk/our-services/diagnosing-complex-needs/about-the-lorna-wing-centre/our-staff/dr-judith-gould.aspx
I have put this link in, so you can read about Dr. Gould. I feel so honoured to have had her diagnose me, especially as she is now mostly retired.
Getting back to March, when I stopped writing my blog, I was fixating on the idea that I was not really as Aspie, just an imposter, and a really horrible person too. I think most autistic people get these episodes where you just go into a fog of horribleness. It is hard to describe just what you are feeling. I like to describe it as being in a room with no doors or windows and feeling such bleakness that nothing can get in and nothing can get out.
Anyway, it was during this bleak time, that I picked up the phone and rang the Lorna Wing Centre.
I explained to the lovely lady on the phone (Jo Parker) just why I was ringing, how I felt that no-one seemed to believe that I could have Asperger's as I seemed so "normal" (Ha!). Just try being with me for more than a couple of hours!!!!
It took a little while to sort out, but eventually I had my date set and it was just a case of waiting for it to arrive.
Arrive, it did, last week. Me and my son made the journey to Bromley South to go to the clinic.
We had lunch in a darling café. Greasy spoon type, but quite honestly, one of the finest meals I have had in a while.
Then it was time to head back to my appointment with Dr. Gould. I was very nervous but she put me so much at ease that I was soon able to relate to her my experiences growing up, my memories, my disastrous work experiences and my even more disastrous romantic experiences! In short, I was totally honest. The truth. How things had panned out for me.
At the end of it all, she sat back and told me the result. She had no doubt that I completely fit the pattern and profile of an adult woman with Asperger's syndrome.
She told me that it was not my upbringing that had caused it. It had been there when I was born and that my experiences I described to her (in particular the Roman Catholic stuff) would have been the very worst kind of incidents for a child with Asperger's to go through.
The relief was enormous. This lady has been diagnosing people for 35-40 years so she must really know her stuff.
I am so pleased that I got to see her. She was so warm and understanding.
So that's it really. I am officially the Old Aspergian!
I have put this link in, so you can read about Dr. Gould. I feel so honoured to have had her diagnose me, especially as she is now mostly retired.
Getting back to March, when I stopped writing my blog, I was fixating on the idea that I was not really as Aspie, just an imposter, and a really horrible person too. I think most autistic people get these episodes where you just go into a fog of horribleness. It is hard to describe just what you are feeling. I like to describe it as being in a room with no doors or windows and feeling such bleakness that nothing can get in and nothing can get out.
Anyway, it was during this bleak time, that I picked up the phone and rang the Lorna Wing Centre.
I explained to the lovely lady on the phone (Jo Parker) just why I was ringing, how I felt that no-one seemed to believe that I could have Asperger's as I seemed so "normal" (Ha!). Just try being with me for more than a couple of hours!!!!
It took a little while to sort out, but eventually I had my date set and it was just a case of waiting for it to arrive.
Arrive, it did, last week. Me and my son made the journey to Bromley South to go to the clinic.
We had lunch in a darling café. Greasy spoon type, but quite honestly, one of the finest meals I have had in a while.
Then it was time to head back to my appointment with Dr. Gould. I was very nervous but she put me so much at ease that I was soon able to relate to her my experiences growing up, my memories, my disastrous work experiences and my even more disastrous romantic experiences! In short, I was totally honest. The truth. How things had panned out for me.
At the end of it all, she sat back and told me the result. She had no doubt that I completely fit the pattern and profile of an adult woman with Asperger's syndrome.
She told me that it was not my upbringing that had caused it. It had been there when I was born and that my experiences I described to her (in particular the Roman Catholic stuff) would have been the very worst kind of incidents for a child with Asperger's to go through.
The relief was enormous. This lady has been diagnosing people for 35-40 years so she must really know her stuff.
I am so pleased that I got to see her. She was so warm and understanding.
So that's it really. I am officially the Old Aspergian!
Yes - You are definitely an Aspie!
I have been on a long break from my Blog. I am sorry Blog, but I just was not sure if I was entitled to be writing you.
You see, I had a diagnosis of Asperger's which was done via Skype with a lovely Australian psychologist called Tania Marshall. At the time, I felt a sense of relief and confirmation that yes I am on the autism spectrum. In time though, the doubts started to creep in.
So I decided that I would get a second opinion and this time I would go in person and that if it was confirmed, then I would have to believe it. I think I may always carry a tiny bit of doubt, but maybe that is part of my Asperger's manifesting.
The other reason is that when I had shared my diagnosis with a few chosen people, they seemed very surprised and a few commented that I didn't seem as if I had it. So, like a dog with a bone, this thought would not leave my mind. As in most matters in my life, I take the view that others are right and I am wrong, wrong, wrong.
As Tubbs said to Edward on The League of Gentlemen. "My insides are all wrong". ;)
You see, I had a diagnosis of Asperger's which was done via Skype with a lovely Australian psychologist called Tania Marshall. At the time, I felt a sense of relief and confirmation that yes I am on the autism spectrum. In time though, the doubts started to creep in.
So I decided that I would get a second opinion and this time I would go in person and that if it was confirmed, then I would have to believe it. I think I may always carry a tiny bit of doubt, but maybe that is part of my Asperger's manifesting.
The other reason is that when I had shared my diagnosis with a few chosen people, they seemed very surprised and a few commented that I didn't seem as if I had it. So, like a dog with a bone, this thought would not leave my mind. As in most matters in my life, I take the view that others are right and I am wrong, wrong, wrong.
As Tubbs said to Edward on The League of Gentlemen. "My insides are all wrong". ;)
Tuesday 24 March 2015
Isn't Anyone Trying to Find me?
Those are some words from a song by the poptress Avril Lavigne.
"Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Wont someone please take me home?
It's a damn cold night,
Trying to figure out this life,
Wont you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new.
I don't know who you are but
I, I'm with you"
For some reason, this song sums up how I felt growing up with Aspergers. I did all the normal things that teenagers do. I rarely hung out with a group though, tending to just have one female friend at a time.
If my friend could not go out, then I would go alone. I must have seemed quite odd looking back.
I never felt comfortable though. It was a feeling of incompleteness. That I did not belong and that I must be on the lookout to see if someone recognised me. I don't mean me as in people I knew in real life. No, it was more of a feeling of having fallen out of a nest and having been put back in the wrong one. That's a funny way to describe it I suppose.
Or, a bit like ET left behind and his new existence filled with ways of trying to get back home.
Only I did not know where home was and I made myself very vulnerable to predatory men who I bumped into on my lonely walks. I really was so gullible its untrue. It makes me cringe to think of how trusting I was, how I believed that people cared about "me". I thought that love happened in an instant.
The sad thing is, that despite the years, I am still the same inside. If I dared to let someone into my sphere, then I would be right back at square one. A young girl full of naivity. (sp).
"Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Wont someone please take me home?
It's a damn cold night,
Trying to figure out this life,
Wont you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new.
I don't know who you are but
I, I'm with you"
For some reason, this song sums up how I felt growing up with Aspergers. I did all the normal things that teenagers do. I rarely hung out with a group though, tending to just have one female friend at a time.
If my friend could not go out, then I would go alone. I must have seemed quite odd looking back.
I never felt comfortable though. It was a feeling of incompleteness. That I did not belong and that I must be on the lookout to see if someone recognised me. I don't mean me as in people I knew in real life. No, it was more of a feeling of having fallen out of a nest and having been put back in the wrong one. That's a funny way to describe it I suppose.
Or, a bit like ET left behind and his new existence filled with ways of trying to get back home.
Only I did not know where home was and I made myself very vulnerable to predatory men who I bumped into on my lonely walks. I really was so gullible its untrue. It makes me cringe to think of how trusting I was, how I believed that people cared about "me". I thought that love happened in an instant.
The sad thing is, that despite the years, I am still the same inside. If I dared to let someone into my sphere, then I would be right back at square one. A young girl full of naivity. (sp).
The Art of Imitation.
When you start to read about Asperger Syndrome in females, a lot of things can begin to ring bells.
For me, there is one that really resounded with me. That was about little girls watching a particular girl and then imitating and taking on her personality.
I know I did this a lot. I also became obsessed with their stationery of all things!
Actually the first obsession I had was about a biro that a Nun who taught me used. I can see it now. It was maroon in colour and was rounded where the biro nib wrote and it tapered into a long thin shape.
How I used to dream about and covet that biro!
The girl that really stood out for me though was when we went on a seaside holiday. It must have been on a caravan park or something but in the evenings they would hold a dance and the adults would be drinking at the bar.
The kids would be out on the dance floor doing their thing. The girl must have been about 10 years old and I think older than I would have been. She had on a shift dress (this was back in the sixties!) and it was sleeveless with a roll neck kind of collar. It was satin and was patterned. Maybe gold and black.
I became entranced by this girl. She seemed to be everything I was not. Taller and slimmer, whereas I felt dumpy and short. I stood and watched her and felt that if I was like this girl then people would like me and my Mum would really love me.
In my imagination I became her for the rest of the holiday.
It happened a lot throughout my childhood years. I might take on the personality of someone from an annual. There was one in particular. A girl called Rusty! She was a tomboy and I can still see the clothes she wore. They were boyish. Checked shirts and pedal pusher type jeans.
So I was Rusty for a while and would draw freckles on my face to look more like her.
There were many girls throughout the years who I admired, wanted to be and liked their things.
At my senior school in the first year there was a girl who had these rubbers that fitted on the top of her pencil. They filled my head and dreams. If only I could have them. I was delighted some time later when I found them in a stationery shop. It had never occurred to me that they were a fairly common thing. They seemed magical to me, and something that only that girl could have.
This all sounds a bit mad but it is true! I think lots of girls are like this but I am not sure that they take on other personalities.
It could also get me in trouble too. I might repeat something that I had heard in a film or read in a book and out of context it was not as charming or clever coming from me.
I liked the idea of girls who could manipulate people and get what they wanted. I wanted to be like that, but it never worked. I just got told off. In the films or books, these little girls would be very pretty and could bend people to their will. Of course it did not work in real life but I never really learned! I just kept right on imitating.
I don't imitate anymore. I do still look at people and wish I was them though.
For me, there is one that really resounded with me. That was about little girls watching a particular girl and then imitating and taking on her personality.
I know I did this a lot. I also became obsessed with their stationery of all things!
Actually the first obsession I had was about a biro that a Nun who taught me used. I can see it now. It was maroon in colour and was rounded where the biro nib wrote and it tapered into a long thin shape.
How I used to dream about and covet that biro!
The girl that really stood out for me though was when we went on a seaside holiday. It must have been on a caravan park or something but in the evenings they would hold a dance and the adults would be drinking at the bar.
The kids would be out on the dance floor doing their thing. The girl must have been about 10 years old and I think older than I would have been. She had on a shift dress (this was back in the sixties!) and it was sleeveless with a roll neck kind of collar. It was satin and was patterned. Maybe gold and black.
I became entranced by this girl. She seemed to be everything I was not. Taller and slimmer, whereas I felt dumpy and short. I stood and watched her and felt that if I was like this girl then people would like me and my Mum would really love me.
In my imagination I became her for the rest of the holiday.
It happened a lot throughout my childhood years. I might take on the personality of someone from an annual. There was one in particular. A girl called Rusty! She was a tomboy and I can still see the clothes she wore. They were boyish. Checked shirts and pedal pusher type jeans.
So I was Rusty for a while and would draw freckles on my face to look more like her.
There were many girls throughout the years who I admired, wanted to be and liked their things.
At my senior school in the first year there was a girl who had these rubbers that fitted on the top of her pencil. They filled my head and dreams. If only I could have them. I was delighted some time later when I found them in a stationery shop. It had never occurred to me that they were a fairly common thing. They seemed magical to me, and something that only that girl could have.
This all sounds a bit mad but it is true! I think lots of girls are like this but I am not sure that they take on other personalities.
It could also get me in trouble too. I might repeat something that I had heard in a film or read in a book and out of context it was not as charming or clever coming from me.
I liked the idea of girls who could manipulate people and get what they wanted. I wanted to be like that, but it never worked. I just got told off. In the films or books, these little girls would be very pretty and could bend people to their will. Of course it did not work in real life but I never really learned! I just kept right on imitating.
I don't imitate anymore. I do still look at people and wish I was them though.
Saturday 7 March 2015
Crazy Hair Syndrome
During my research about AS. I have come across several mentions that women with AS tend to have messy and unkempt hair.
While I doubt that it is a key feature of AS, it just so happens that it is true for me.
I have really wild hair. It is a combination of textures and is curly, straight and wavy all at the same time. Most of all, I have way too much of it! Possibly I have enough hair for two if not three people.
Whether I have it short or long, it takes a lot of management. If I have it short, it has to be wet down constantly as there is no way I could just leave it all sticking up and out after a night's sleep.
If it is worn long and down then it goes off the Craziness Stratosphere!
Consequently it is generally tied back in a very thick pony tale. Even then it looks a mess as it tries to escape it's constraints.
Going to the hairdressers will always elicit comments of "Oh, haven't you got thick hair" or you can see the look of disappointment of the hairdressers face when they realise that you are their client!
The thing is that I hate for my hair to look tidy anyway. Once I had to be a bridesmaid and they gave me a shampoo and set! I wept buckets and threw a right old meltdown. I still believe they managed to make a 10 year old look at least 40! You can see in the photographs how unhappy I am.
When I was at senior school, desperately trying to fit in, yet remain invisible at the same time, a girl took me to one side.
She told me that they had been discussing me and they had come to the conclusion that I was never going to get a boyfriend with my hair. Can you imagine how that felt? Thanks for that, it has made me feel much comforted.
Deep down I think I look hideous whatever I try to do with my hair. After sixty years I cannot imagine a bucket load of self esteem coming my way, but I do try to concentrate on the things that give my pleasure and get by. Anyway, I must go now and wash my hair! ;)
While I doubt that it is a key feature of AS, it just so happens that it is true for me.
I have really wild hair. It is a combination of textures and is curly, straight and wavy all at the same time. Most of all, I have way too much of it! Possibly I have enough hair for two if not three people.
Whether I have it short or long, it takes a lot of management. If I have it short, it has to be wet down constantly as there is no way I could just leave it all sticking up and out after a night's sleep.
If it is worn long and down then it goes off the Craziness Stratosphere!
Consequently it is generally tied back in a very thick pony tale. Even then it looks a mess as it tries to escape it's constraints.
Going to the hairdressers will always elicit comments of "Oh, haven't you got thick hair" or you can see the look of disappointment of the hairdressers face when they realise that you are their client!
The thing is that I hate for my hair to look tidy anyway. Once I had to be a bridesmaid and they gave me a shampoo and set! I wept buckets and threw a right old meltdown. I still believe they managed to make a 10 year old look at least 40! You can see in the photographs how unhappy I am.
When I was at senior school, desperately trying to fit in, yet remain invisible at the same time, a girl took me to one side.
She told me that they had been discussing me and they had come to the conclusion that I was never going to get a boyfriend with my hair. Can you imagine how that felt? Thanks for that, it has made me feel much comforted.
Deep down I think I look hideous whatever I try to do with my hair. After sixty years I cannot imagine a bucket load of self esteem coming my way, but I do try to concentrate on the things that give my pleasure and get by. Anyway, I must go now and wash my hair! ;)
Friday 6 March 2015
Whole Lot Of Thinking Going On
I have been thinking a lot today while I was working. Mainly ruminating on a few comments I had made recently.
I find it extremely hard to have and especially own an opinion. Every opinion I feel I am forming brings the Quartet rushing forward.
The Quartet are:-
They are not people in the sense of multiple personality. I know that. I suppose they must be different parts of my brain which operate simultaneously.
For example. I will be having a conversation with someone. The Essence will be saying "Come on now, this requires concentration, you had better listen closely". The Observer will just watch over the whole conversation, making notes and observations to be dissected later.
The Machine/Computer will then start to fling random thoughts, memories, sensations and an incredible urge to share all these thoughts.
Meanwhile The Commentator just, well commentates! It comments throughout the conversation, on how the person I am talking to appears, how I must be appearing to them, cue the appropriate facial expression.
It is all so exhausting sometimes.
Afterwards the conversation has to be pulled apart. What did I say? Was it appropriate? Did I give the person sufficient attention? Did I come across as a know all? Was I too honest? Did I offend them in anyway? What was that strange look that went across their face?
As I write this, The Quartet are busy at work. My brain is zigzagging and it seems impossible to follow any one train of thought.
Recently I asked a lady I know how her brain felt to her?! She told me that if she has to do something, she focusses entirely on that and nothing crowds in.
I find it hard to believe that I have Aspergers. I feel I am unentitled to have a reason to be the way I am. This morning there was a post on Samantha Craft's blog "Everyday Aspergers" and then I thought "Yes, this is it. This is Aspergers" and for today I am comforted .........
I find it extremely hard to have and especially own an opinion. Every opinion I feel I am forming brings the Quartet rushing forward.
The Quartet are:-
- The Essence of me which is forming and re-forming continuously.
- The Observer.
- The Machine/Computer
- The Commentator.
They are not people in the sense of multiple personality. I know that. I suppose they must be different parts of my brain which operate simultaneously.
For example. I will be having a conversation with someone. The Essence will be saying "Come on now, this requires concentration, you had better listen closely". The Observer will just watch over the whole conversation, making notes and observations to be dissected later.
The Machine/Computer will then start to fling random thoughts, memories, sensations and an incredible urge to share all these thoughts.
Meanwhile The Commentator just, well commentates! It comments throughout the conversation, on how the person I am talking to appears, how I must be appearing to them, cue the appropriate facial expression.
It is all so exhausting sometimes.
Afterwards the conversation has to be pulled apart. What did I say? Was it appropriate? Did I give the person sufficient attention? Did I come across as a know all? Was I too honest? Did I offend them in anyway? What was that strange look that went across their face?
As I write this, The Quartet are busy at work. My brain is zigzagging and it seems impossible to follow any one train of thought.
Recently I asked a lady I know how her brain felt to her?! She told me that if she has to do something, she focusses entirely on that and nothing crowds in.
I find it hard to believe that I have Aspergers. I feel I am unentitled to have a reason to be the way I am. This morning there was a post on Samantha Craft's blog "Everyday Aspergers" and then I thought "Yes, this is it. This is Aspergers" and for today I am comforted .........
Monday 2 March 2015
Discovering Aspergers.
I mentioned before that I had no idea what Asperger Syndrome was. I had heard about Autism and how many parents believed that the MMR injection had caused it in their children. I had heard about Asperger Syndrome but never really understood what it was.
I expect a lot of people are like this. Unless you have a reason to discover what it means then it may just float across your horizon and then it is gone.
As I was getting older, the pressure on myself to fit in with other people was beginning to lessen. I came to the conclusion that I just did not really want to go anywhere (I mean really "want" to) and I found being at home a kind of Nirvana, a feeling of bliss. a feeling of utter contentment.
Going out to the shops, even the local one five minutes away was such hard work. I know this is not agoraphobia in the strictest sense. It was more of an extreme reluctance.
I am wandering off the path a bit here!
Anyway, I was really looking for some way to help my son who was going through a tough time, feeling his brain would explode from thinking and having melt downs. It was upsetting.
I will do a separate post about that another time.
I was also reading about introverted people. People like me who closed the door behind them on a Friday night after work, not to venture out again until Monday morning.
Someone mentioned that they were like this but they also had AS so that got me looking at a list of AS symptoms, particularly those in adult women.
To say I was blown away is an understatement! Here was my life in front of me. Nearly every symptom resonated with me to some degree. Here was the answer to the mystery of me and my impressions of being defective and not belonging with other people.
I usually have doubts about being sure of something. How can I be sure of anything after the analysis that goes through my head. Here though there was no doubt. It truly was like walking up the path to a lovely cottage with a welcoming light on, a cat sitting at the hearth and tea and scones on the table!
I was home. AS is my home and it is OK to dwell there.
I became an avid researcher and found out everything I could.
I expect a lot of people are like this. Unless you have a reason to discover what it means then it may just float across your horizon and then it is gone.
As I was getting older, the pressure on myself to fit in with other people was beginning to lessen. I came to the conclusion that I just did not really want to go anywhere (I mean really "want" to) and I found being at home a kind of Nirvana, a feeling of bliss. a feeling of utter contentment.
Going out to the shops, even the local one five minutes away was such hard work. I know this is not agoraphobia in the strictest sense. It was more of an extreme reluctance.
I am wandering off the path a bit here!
Anyway, I was really looking for some way to help my son who was going through a tough time, feeling his brain would explode from thinking and having melt downs. It was upsetting.
I will do a separate post about that another time.
I was also reading about introverted people. People like me who closed the door behind them on a Friday night after work, not to venture out again until Monday morning.
Someone mentioned that they were like this but they also had AS so that got me looking at a list of AS symptoms, particularly those in adult women.
To say I was blown away is an understatement! Here was my life in front of me. Nearly every symptom resonated with me to some degree. Here was the answer to the mystery of me and my impressions of being defective and not belonging with other people.
I usually have doubts about being sure of something. How can I be sure of anything after the analysis that goes through my head. Here though there was no doubt. It truly was like walking up the path to a lovely cottage with a welcoming light on, a cat sitting at the hearth and tea and scones on the table!
I was home. AS is my home and it is OK to dwell there.
I became an avid researcher and found out everything I could.
Saturday 28 February 2015
Very Early Memories
If I could pin point one emotion which dominated my early years, it would have to be a crushing sense of guilt and doom. A feeling that something terrible was going to happen any minute and therefore I must be on red alert to be ready for it.
I can actually pick out something that happened and it does seem very insignificant but it had a devastating effect on who I was (or thought I was) and changed my world view forever.
I would have been about two years old and I was alone in our garden. It was a still and quiet day, no noise appeared to come from anywhere. I realised in a moment that I was entirely alone and not in the sense that there was no one with me. No, it was a realisation that no matter what I did or who I surrounded myself with, I was alone in this world. Then I heard the sound of a cuckoo crying out into this stillness and quiet. I was filled with a sense of dread and doom laden fear.
Maybe it was a first panic attack, who knows? I knew at that point for me, the world was a dangerous place and there really was no one who would or could shield me from the danger.
How dramatic does this sound for a two year old to be thinking? Yet this was the truth for me.
Little did I realise then just how much terror awaited me when I had to go to school and I could no longer stay in the relative safety of home.
I can actually pick out something that happened and it does seem very insignificant but it had a devastating effect on who I was (or thought I was) and changed my world view forever.
I would have been about two years old and I was alone in our garden. It was a still and quiet day, no noise appeared to come from anywhere. I realised in a moment that I was entirely alone and not in the sense that there was no one with me. No, it was a realisation that no matter what I did or who I surrounded myself with, I was alone in this world. Then I heard the sound of a cuckoo crying out into this stillness and quiet. I was filled with a sense of dread and doom laden fear.
Maybe it was a first panic attack, who knows? I knew at that point for me, the world was a dangerous place and there really was no one who would or could shield me from the danger.
How dramatic does this sound for a two year old to be thinking? Yet this was the truth for me.
Little did I realise then just how much terror awaited me when I had to go to school and I could no longer stay in the relative safety of home.
Monday 23 February 2015
Getting Old with Aspergers
You would not think to look at me that I have Aspergers!
That is what people say when I confide in them that I found out I grew up with Aspergers but never knew just what it was. In fact you could say I was blown away when I read about it and realised that this was the name for this strangeness inside me, the endless thoughts and many weird and wonderful worries and feelings.
First of all I want to apologise in advance if I upset or offend anyone. I am definitely a novice at being Aspergian and I am writing from my point of view only. I know that there are myriad symptoms and traits and no-one has them all in quite the same way.
I was a little excited and enthralled when it dawned on me that this thing had a name. I actually knew nothing about Autism and Aspergers. Once, many years ago, I was on a course and there was a girl on it who had Aspergers. None of us gave her a chance or let her in. It upsets me now to think of it. I may have missed a great opportunity to meet someone on my wavelength. Instead we all gave her a wide berth, all of us. Even the teacher seemed to resent having her in the class. I am sad to remember that.
That though is in the past and there is nothing I can do about it now.
So I suppose I should at least introduce myself. I turned 60 in February, which is amazing really. A real achievement. Of course I have had nothing to do with that achievement but I am so grateful to still be here and able to blog!!!
I found out about Asperger syndrome last year. It felt like finding a massive piece of a jigsaw, the missing bit that suddenly had my eyes opening and my head nodding and feeling I had come home.
Of course I now know that Asperger* is no longer a term used and we are now referred to as having high functioning autism. The lady who diagnosed me though still uses the name as she said Hans Asperger put a lot of work into discovering and documenting it all and he deserves that respect.
Anyway as this is my first post, I will finish up now but it is a great feeling to be able to write all this down. Maybe someone out there will read it.
*A kind Mumsnetter put me right on this. Apparently it is still called Asperger Syndrome in the UK.
That is what people say when I confide in them that I found out I grew up with Aspergers but never knew just what it was. In fact you could say I was blown away when I read about it and realised that this was the name for this strangeness inside me, the endless thoughts and many weird and wonderful worries and feelings.
First of all I want to apologise in advance if I upset or offend anyone. I am definitely a novice at being Aspergian and I am writing from my point of view only. I know that there are myriad symptoms and traits and no-one has them all in quite the same way.
I was a little excited and enthralled when it dawned on me that this thing had a name. I actually knew nothing about Autism and Aspergers. Once, many years ago, I was on a course and there was a girl on it who had Aspergers. None of us gave her a chance or let her in. It upsets me now to think of it. I may have missed a great opportunity to meet someone on my wavelength. Instead we all gave her a wide berth, all of us. Even the teacher seemed to resent having her in the class. I am sad to remember that.
That though is in the past and there is nothing I can do about it now.
So I suppose I should at least introduce myself. I turned 60 in February, which is amazing really. A real achievement. Of course I have had nothing to do with that achievement but I am so grateful to still be here and able to blog!!!
I found out about Asperger syndrome last year. It felt like finding a massive piece of a jigsaw, the missing bit that suddenly had my eyes opening and my head nodding and feeling I had come home.
Of course I now know that Asperger* is no longer a term used and we are now referred to as having high functioning autism. The lady who diagnosed me though still uses the name as she said Hans Asperger put a lot of work into discovering and documenting it all and he deserves that respect.
Anyway as this is my first post, I will finish up now but it is a great feeling to be able to write all this down. Maybe someone out there will read it.
*A kind Mumsnetter put me right on this. Apparently it is still called Asperger Syndrome in the UK.
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