Tara
I believe you were one of us. The HFA girls who don't really know which way is up. Of course I never knew you but somehow I feel an empathy for you and your life which has sadly ended.
It makes me so angry to hear the judgemental comments out there saying you had wasted your life. What do they know about the pain that Autism can bring? The deep inner loneliness, the inability to connect to anyone in any real meaningful way.
I imagine you were doing your best to quell the machinations of your brain by taking drugs and drinking. Such an easy thing to do at first, just to try something and then find that it makes you feel able to communicate in a way that you never could. Then it becomes a problem, a habit, next an addiction.
It was you presenting a persona that could fit in, that belonged, that could get away from the endless looping and noise that assails your brain. The voice that tells you that you are worthless, that you are defective coupled with the feelings of extreme fear and anxiety. Is it any wonder you looked for an escape.
Yes you had everything that money could buy but you can't buy yourself out of an Autistic brain and it makes me so sad to think of you in that flat alone, reclusive and terrified that you were going to die.
So Tara. I do get it, I really do. Now you are gone, so many people are showing just how well they thought of you. The trouble is that the entrenched lack of a self esteem, if there ever was one, can never let anything in, as there is a black hole where a love for yourself should be.
You looked like a woman, but inside you never really got beyond 12 years old did you?
I hope you can Rest in Peace now Tara, finally gone home to the planet of Autism.
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