Such a long time since I posted anything. The title for this post just came into my head. It is the first line of the Carpenters' song, I don't know if that it what it is called. Off to find out now.
So it is called "Superstar". I never knew that but I love the song. Karen Carpenter had just the most beautiful voice.
So here we are. I live alone now and I am ok (I think).
I can definitely feel that I have allowed myself to become more autistic. I spend long long stretches of time alone and the thought of any kind of interaction makes me feel vaguely uncomfortable.
I am fine when I go to work, for I send out a persona to do that. How much of me she really is I do not know. She seems to share quite a lot of herself but so much of it is because she thinks it is expected and because of the difficulty in small talk and the akward silences if small talk is all that is spoken.
My life has shrunk quite a bit. I rarely talk to anyone on the phone, my last calls came to £2.20 for the month!
When I was younger and used to surround myself and get involved in all kinds of dysfunctional peoples' lives (that includes me, incase I sound judgemental), I was always on the phone for hours. I look back on that person as a stranger. What on earth was I doing? Trying so hard to matter, to fit in, to belong, to give and to be valued. Now I shy away from most involvement in other peoples' lives. I feel they tolerate me and my "wierd" way of looking at things. Most of the time I don't know what to say at all.
When the weekend is looming, I get a bit excited thinking about that stretch of time where I don't have to speak to anyone if I so choose and also not go anywhere. Wandering around Sainsburys home department late at night has become a highlight!!
Trouble is I have to be careful of spending any money that is not truly necessary these days. Things are very tight at the moment. Living completely alone is expensive. It is hard to meet all the bills and they are just the basics, including Council Tax, Rent etc which are crucial, not to mention gas, electricity even though I did just mention them.
No comments:
Post a Comment